Marriage and depression.

I've been avoiding my mental health a lot lately.  Trying to pretend things are okay when really they aren't.  I don't know why I try to do it.  The depression I'm feeling continues to get worse.  I have my moments during the day when for maybe an entire afternoon I'm in a pretty decent mood, but it easily ends.  It's like being a flickering light.  I flicker in to full brightness and then I flicker out.

This depression is putting a lot of pressure on my marriage right now.  I hate to say it's come to that, but the stress of this year coupled with what I'm now experiencing have really done a number on us.  We're not, like, anywhere near ending things.  Or even just separating.  Heck no!  There aren't any reasons to do something like that.  I know in my mind that this is the depression and not us.  But it's still really, really hard around here right now.  I feel like every moment is a fight within me just to try and not let it drag us down entirely.  To keep it in the forefront of my mind that this is just a temporary moment.  Though I do worry that I'm creating moments we won't recover from.  *sigh*

Right now, for me anyway, the hardest parts are really the things he says.  I know, kind of, that he doesn't mean it the way it sounds inside my depression.  But these things are still really hard to listen to.  And he doesn't get it.  He doesn't know why those things are upsetting to me.  To him these things are just fact.

"Well, you never want sex, so..."

Nope, I don't want sex right now.  And since you never try to get any, why are you complaining?  And I've pretty much said that to him.  I'm not going to jump you.  It's just not happening right now.  I'm not really here.  When I want sex, I will let you know.

"Cheer up."

I hate those two words when put together in a sentence.  If I could, I would.   But I can't, so I don't.  And just because I have one hour in the day when a smile actually comes through the clouds and fog doesn't mean I've magically gotten through this.  Because I haven't.  And I have no idea when I will.  Or how long any sunshine I find might last.

"What's your problem?"

If you don't shut up, it's going to be you!  Perhaps I shouldn't say that, but it's true.  I'm depressed.  Everything and nothing is wrong.  I can't put it in to words.  There's no quantifier.  It is what it is.  As hard as that is to take as an answer.  I don't have one that is better.

"You never want to cuddle."

Nope.  I don't want physical contact much right now.  It bothers me.  Even the kids hugging me sometimes makes me feel squeamish and claustrophobic.  And it's a sad state to be in.  But a passive aggressive conversation with the dogs about it, it's not helping your case.  Sometimes I'll try and curl up with you, but mostly I won't.

And do you know why these things hurt so much?  It's because it feels like I'm being scolded or accused.  I already know what I'm not doing in our relationship.  If he thinks I don't realize the sex draught.  The lack of cuddling.  The few and far between smiles.  He's more mentally incapacitated then I am right now.  And I know how I look on the outside.  Because I know it's mirroring what I'm feeling on the inside.  I haven't had contact with anyone outside this house except cashiers at stores, Facebook, email and blogging.  I'm in hiding.

I think right now the effort I'm putting forth is lost on him.  He can't see the strain I encounter just trying to maintain myself.  How often I wish it wasn't necessary to shower.  Why I just want to throw the dishes away instead of loading the dishwasher.  Why I see him sitting on the couch, but it is too hard to get up from where I am sitting to walk there and sit next to him.  How sometimes that idea is revolting because it would mean close physical contact and I just don't want to be near anyone.  He doesn't know how bad I feel about what this is doing to the physical and emotional sides of our relationship.  I know it's happening.  I can see the train wreck I'm causing.  I've done this one too many times to miss it.

I really hope this all goes away soon.  I need a month of feeling good.  At least a month.  I'd love longer, but I don't expect to get longer.  I don't even expect to get that long.  But I want it.  I need it.  I keep hoping that something will happen to trigger it.  And I had hopes that our anniversary yesterday would do it, but was just as withdrawn as I was before.  So now I'm hoping it will be Halloween activities that snaps me out of it.