I know why I don't ask for help. Because when I do, I get turned down.
My husband went in and asked for an ACS grant. We move in about 40 days. As if that isn't killing us enough financially due to his poor lack of planning. Or complete lack of planning really. We now need a new transmission for ghetto truck. Priced out transmissions lately? On a fucking V-8?
So he asks for this grant. They dick us around for 24 hours and then turn us down. Why? Because of his ETS date. Regardless of any proof we might have to the contrary, a grant would be used to move home and therefore we can't have one. Not because we aren't in need mind you. Not because we don't have a truck on jacks in our driveway. Not because you can't even back said truck out the driveway. But because we leave next month. Wouldn't be fair to give us one if we are moving. You know, moving. Driving the truck we can't back out of the driveway 1200 fucking miles. However, we can have a loan. And they'll take all of Januarys pay and any part of Decembers that they want/need to cover said loan.
Of course. OF COURSE THIS IS HOW IT WOULD WORK. OF FUCKING COURSE.
I took a 20 minute shower so I could cry. Because there isn't anything else to even do. Take a loan. Sell the car. Do both. Does it even fucking matter anymore? Does anyone have a sharper, longer stick they can shove up my ass. Because I can't feel it in my throat just yet.
You know, I already had to lower myself. And get in on that Sears gift card thing for Christmas. And for me, that is lowering myself. Because I want to provide Christmas for my kids. Not have someone else do it. But I did it anyway because back in August I already knew Christmas was going to bite us in the ass. And I felt bad about spending $5 at Goodwill to get myself a new winter jacket. Not that mine hasn't been broken for two years and needed to be replaced, but because I spent $5 on myself. And I spent as little as possible and did what I could to keep the expense of Halloween costumes to a minimum and feel like I totally failed there too. And then I lowered myself further and borrowed money from my cousin to go to Texas to see my brother graduate from basic training. And now I owe her like $400. And I had money put aside because we still need those tires and brakes for the truck. And then I had to replace the heater thing and that wiped the child support entirely.
And I need a break. I need something to go right because even one more thing is going to throw me right over a ledge I'm not going to be able to climb back up. Because when my husband asks what is wrong, I just tell him nothing. Because I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear him tell me to get over it and that I'm being too negative. And that we're taking the loan. Well, no shit. What the fuck else would we do? Really? REALLY? Do I look fucking stupid?
Obviously we have to borrow the money. Obviously we have to go without any sort of income in January. Obviously. I mean...what else would happen in our world? Why should we be able to have a good holiday? Or have a vehicle that doesn't have issues. Or move without more complications. Why? Why should that happen? Why should he have listened to me 9 months ago when I told him he better prepare for this type of shit if he wanted to move. Why would I do that? Why would he bother to listen? He wouldn't.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like I have anywhere to turn. I don't even care. In fact, I've tried my mom three times and wouldn't you guess the 3rd time I got 5 seconds and, "I have to call you back.". Thanks. Not that she knows why I called, but still. Can't I get someones time so I can cry to a real person and not to a tiled shower wall?
Make it go away. Someone make it all go away.
